Bitter Days Blacker Markets

Sad Sad Softcore - My Take On American Comics

2011-10-07T17:56:00.001-07:00

*For this write-up I define, quite loosely, "The Industry" as Marvel and DC, and then narrowing down to the other publishing companies. Also, when I speak in generalities, I do this knowing there are exceptions to everything.*

What the hell is going on?

People are saying that the sexism in the DCU and The Industry is an old issue with comics, when in reality, there's a new twist. One of the important reasons this is a NEW topic is because DC's relaunch is an attempt to pick up new readers through its accessibility, which was potentially an amazing and bold move. One that I don't believe will work.

This was a chance for DC to welcome new female readers to American comics, but DC's moves will instead keep them at bay. Congrats on creating (accidental or intentional?) controversy in the industry. You'll sell a lot of reprints of issue 1, I'm sure. Will you sell as many on issue 20? 30?

I'm frustrated with some of the arguments that are out there, and I want to address some of them.

First off, I hate the argument that "other aspects of media are sexist, therefore comics aren't MORE sexist, rather they're just reflecting the times!" or something.

That's wrong.

As a general rule, American comics are sexist. Just because it's commonplace and accepted to objectify and make women's breasts as round as their personalities are flat, that doesn't mean that it's not sexist. It is, and we've accepted it. Is this as toxic as other types of media like movies or TV? Probably not, but it definitely contributes. This is also a medium I'm passionate about. Hell, I spent the last year writing a curriculum for the benefits of comics in the classroom. I think I have every right to question The Industry and challenge its generally low standards. If The Industry wants to create a real readership for the future, they better start doing something revolutionary and not just build a new house on the same swamp.

I also hate the argument "but the industry has made advances over the years!" That's true, it has. It has also made those advances incredibly slow to the point that they are now bordering on backwards. Black Vulcan, Black Lightning, and Black Racer don't represent all the non-white characters anymore (no more Yellow Claw, right? that name was retconned). Congratulations. When you're done patting yourself on the back for that, let me ask you Eddie Murphy's famous question: What have you done for me lately? How are you pushing/updating/challenging things now?

Next argument: Violent women = strong women. No, it doesn't. It equals a man. It equals a man's answer to power. There are most definitely differences between the genders, and to deny that would be absurd, preposterous, and would actually discredit what it is to be a man or a woman (and everything in between). BUT when the differences define what we perceive as strong/weak, then there's a problem. Just because a woman can punch as good as a man (or arm wrestle as good as Iron Man while onlookers place bets, further objectifying the already offensive term "Girl Comics") that isn't what makes her equal to a man. What makes people equal is not framing them against the definition of a man (which is typically (physical strength/power). Physical strength is a narrow way to define power, and one that men have used for millions of years; one that women have had to use in the past to be heard.

And the next argument: "But there are many strong female characters! Let me list them for you...!"

That's exactly the problem. You can list them. We all know who they are. If gender inequity wasn't an issue, then listing all the female characters with depth might be more of a problem.

The characters need to come first. It seems that The Industry is busy writing from the outside in. Starfire (above) and the new Harley Quinn (below) are great examples of that. People don't read Spider-Man because he speaks to white men. He speaks to people! He's an endearing and enduring character because he's real, has depth, reacts humanly, and deals with real problems. The fact that he's a male is one facet of who he is and frames his perspective. First and foremost: He's Spider-Man! He's Peter Parker! One of (many) reasons I enjoy Joss Whedon's work is that he doesn't just write MEN and WOMEN, but rather people. Buffy the Vampire Slayer is Buffy first! She and Kitty Pryde aren't amazing characters because they're strong women keeping up with men, but because they're three dimensional. The characters speak for themselves. They have voices, depth, personality, and do not have to be compared to Spike and Cyclops. Buffy lives first, and slays vampires second.

Alex Smith

Does this mean that I'm against sex, sexy characters, kick-ass women (or girls from Kick-Ass)? Not at all. But lets be honest, guys. The Industry is, as a whole, sexist, degrading (to humanity, but I'm not going to get all Freire or anything) and writes a cookie cutter woman. It's not whether one or two characters are "offensive," but rather the voice of The Industry. Again, I'm not bothered by one or two things, but it's all this stuff put together. Look at the amazing powerhouse team of Bruce Timm and Paul Dini. They created one of my favorite characters, Harley Quinn. She is a sexy, ditzy, nasally, (stereotypical) blonde woman, often seen as a pin-up model (with, up until this year, an AMAZING costume), and in a sick, destructive, abusive relationship with The Joker. Timm and Dini also gave us Renee Montoya (Harley's opposite in many ways) and every woman in between. They've shown that they can write characters of all types, can play off old film tropes (like the sultry and sexy femme fatale or Harley's "Betty Boop with a pop-gun" thing), and tell amazing tales. Harley and all their other characters are engaging in their own right; they stand alone. They're as interesting to read about and listen to as they are to look at it.

Ok, a slight interruption. I love exploitation flicks because they're gratuitous, ridiculous, over-the-top, and otherwise EXPLOIT things in a way that says "you love guns/violence/blood/women/whatever, we love it, so here you go!" But to deny that sexism in The Industry or that The Industry isn't doing it to make a short term financial gain, is BS. Admit that you're trying to give your male audience what they want. Just don't make excuses or try and pass it off as empowerment or anything else.

Anyways, the last argument I want to address: There aren't enough female fans/writers/audience/complaints/etc. It's a feedback loop. The Industry screams to a narrow demographic, and that demo screams back. The young female fans (such as my students where I teach) ARE being heard, and they're reading manga. Even my girlfriend, a long-time comic fan, has stopped reading most American comics in favor of the diverse and rich material found in manga.

And trust me, guys, she's hot.

The End Of The World Is Near

2010-03-27T18:23:00.000-07:00

FINALLY! I've been waiting for this trailer for quite a while now, and I'm pretty damn excited about it. The comic it's based on is super weird, and I'm not quite sure what the demographic is for the movie. Tons of 80's video game references (anybody remember Moose from River City Ransom?), Toronto locales, comic book nods, and a plot that relies on romance and comedy, but isn't a romantic comedy. I freakin' loved it. The movie could go horribly horribly wrong (though I maintain that I have faith), but so far I'm sold.

Let Your Zef Side Shine

2010-02-27T14:00:00.001-08:00

This is how I'm feeling about school right now (Thanks to Angel):

Wait no this is how I feel (Angel again):

No no, this is it. But I'm not sure if I'm the guy at the beginning or the end (All me):

It's About Damn Time

2010-02-12T14:11:00.000-08:00

I've been saying this since I first saw it in Sweden in 2005: LEGGINGS AREN'T PANTS! It seems that American Apparel is ready for the trend they helped start to die.

The Lady Likes said it best:
"You know it’s serious when your dealer tells you you have a problem."

iamamiwhoami Viral Vid Translation

2010-02-10T17:06:00.000-08:00

So these videos have apparently been going around the web, and much speculation as to who it is. Right now they're going by "iamamiwhoami" and it's weird and awesome and has lots of trees and a muddy hippie.
"Who is it?" everyone wants to know, and to that I'll answer the question with a question: I don't care. Jesus may be channeling Goldfrapp, or Fever Ray may have just watched The Fountain. Either way, I definitely love good marketing, and those are some great viral vids.
I took about 5 minutes and translated the numbers to letters (using the age old algorithm that every kid knows "a-1, b-2, c-3" etc.) and it turns out it works. Here's the episode titles in order of their release (and order below)

educational
iam
itsme
mandragora

Prelude 699130082.451322-5.4.21.3.1.20.9.15.14.1.12

9.1.13.669321018

9.20.19.13.5.723378

13.1.14.4.18.1.7.15.18.1.1110

What's In A Name?

2010-02-06T18:36:00.000-08:00

This was an in class assignment I had to do today. It was an icebreaker so we could get to know our class and sort of get to know ourselves (or at the very least look at our names). Anyways. Ten minutes well spent:

Nicolas Birondo. Nicolas Birondo. "A rose..." blah blah blah. I can't say that I've really put much thought into my name over the years. It's just that. A name. It's a word like chair, helium, or Godzilla. Ok, maybe not like Godzilla, but it's just a word. A series of words.
To begin, I'm Nicolas (not "K" not "H"). I took the name from my dad who got it from his dad. People ask "Are you going to name your son Nicolas" and I think "I have no idea," or "who cares?" It's just a name. I don't ave any legacy to follow or anything to continue.
My middle name is "Barry" and that always gets a laugh or two (I guarantee someone's laughing right now). Barry is my mom's maiden name. Barry. That's such a boring middle name. Barry. The Irish have so many awesome last names Like McCloud, McMullan, Sands and all those "O" names. They make me think of the Spirit of Ireland captured in the way that only a "Mc" or an "O" can. But no it's Barry. Perhaps it's the blandness of Barry wedged in the secret spot of the middle name that makes it so funny. Middle names offer some kind of mysterious insight into a person and captues a strange essence most people don't get to see, like a birthmark on the shoulder blade. My birthmark says "Barry" which doesn't say much at all.
My last name is Birondo. Again: Birondo. "Oh are you Italian?" No. (My mom gets that all the time). Are you Mexican? No. Spanish? No, I'm Filipino. It's a name that was probably given to my family in Sebu after the Spanish came, saw and conquered. It's not a name that holds a meaning of "My People" or anything, but I have no plans of changing it anytime soon or replacing it with an "X".
The final punctuation to my 19 letter name is that I'm the third (III). Three generations of Nicolas Birondos. I probably won't pass the name to my kid. My old roommate was Edward Burgess IX. Telemarketers and Junk mail called him Mr. Ix, which is such a James Bond Villain name. So cool. But Nicolas Birondo IV? Mr. Iv? That's just lame. But then, I get to name my child anything I want. Heck, she could be called Nicolas Birondo X (the tenth). Miss X. Doctor X. That's pretty good.

The Future Looks Bright...

2010-01-26T09:59:00.000-08:00

...perhaps even radioactive. LG just released a brand new TV in Korea. Is it smaller than an iPhone? Bigger than a house? Flatter than a 12 year old boy? No, no and no. It's a brand spanking new 14" whopper using fragile, limited and outdated CRT technology. And boy is it worth it. The Serie 1 Retro Classic looks like it was plucked right out of the 1962 World Fair. It has all the outdated features you need including bunny ear antenna and rotating, analog volume and channel knobs. And if that wasn't enough, flip a switch and the screen goes to black and white or sepia tone! The low $200 price tag is enough to make me want to turn my whole room into a James Bond movie set. Here's hoping LG releases the lil' guy stateside (and that it doesn't cause sterility).

The Greatest Day Ever Is Upon Me...

2009-12-09T18:15:00.000-08:00

...for two reasons:

1) I got accepted to USF! I got my CSET results back the other night and then two days later I got an email saying I start my masters/credential program at the end of January. Only 1 1/2 months away.

2) I found out that Spoon's new album, "Transference", comes out two weeks ahead of schedule on January 19th. And so far it sounds amazing.

Two days ago I got a series of emails that ambiguously told me I may (or may not have) passed the necessary tests, so I've been hesitantly passing the news on. Today, only two days after my application was fully received (which included SCREEN CAPTURES as my weak proof that I passed the CSET), I got an email saying I was accepted to USF. This is such a relief, as I've been stressing over those four tests since I found out I had to take them back in July. Although I could have retaken any of the tests again if I failed, it would have meant that I wouldn't have been able to start school until a year from now. Instead, there's no downtime, and I only have to figure out my next month, not my next year.

And then, as a generous amount of icing on the cake, I find out that my favorite band of the decade has a new album coming out two weeks sooner than I expected! There's no band as consistent and awesome as Spoon. Accessible and familiar, but completely elusive to description (seriously, try to do it). One of the few artists that still writes albums instead of singles, and know that immortality is built on their next move and not their last.

Anyways, to quote the Cube: "Today was a good day."

Chris Ware vs. Andrew Bird

2009-11-20T11:08:00.000-08:00

I don't know what to even say about this. One of the most amazing/incredible/important/inspiring/depressing/*insert powerful adjective here* artists I've seen animates his character Quimby the Mouse (which is one part Krazy one part Mickey ) to the tune of "Eugene" by Andrew Bird.
I can't stop watching it! Chris Ware's stuff is always awe inducing (I'm serious. Check out any Acme Novelty book) and he constatly proves that he's smarter than me (in his self-deprecating way) on every panel. Anyways, enough of my stiff attempt at flattery. The video is good. As for Andrew Bird, I haven't ever been a fan. My friend described him best when I asked her if she's listened to Bird. She said "Andrew Bird...I think I heard his stuff, but I don't remember..." That's about how I felt after listening to his album. But this song is great. I have no idea what album it's on or if it's from his forthcoming one or what. If anyone knows, I'd love to hear it!

Quimby The Mouse from This American Life on Vimeo.

The Prisoner Remake?!

2009-10-26T14:32:00.001-07:00

Dear Lord, how did I not know this was coming out in THREE WEEKS?! One of my favorite shows of all time is getting a remake. I'd normally call this a bad idea, but it's done by AMC (home of Mad Men) and has an awesome trailer, so I'm definitely willing to give it a go. Some instant fears I have include the use of a boring and dumpy American taking the place of the slick, charismatic, Patrick McGoohan (I've seriously been trying to channel the look of Patrick McGoohan for the last 15 years of my life), the similarities to Lost it might get (though Lost is actually a massive tribute to the original Prisoner) and the lack of 60's mod suits and primary colors of the original. Seriously, I'm really worried about Caviezel trying to play Number 6. The only thing I know about Jim Caviezel is he was Jesus in Passion of the Christ, and he was the only word that could rhyme with "weasel" in the SNL "Iran So Far" video. The things that are going for the remake? Ian McKellen and Rover. I really hope they can pull off the surreal psychological games and abstract symbolism of the original.
If they can make this and The Walking Dead work, AMC could have the best show lineup out there. Here's hoping they pull it off.

Be seeing you.

Metafiction + Comedy = The Greatest TV Shows EVER

2009-09-28T15:01:00.000-07:00

30 Rock
Arrested Development
The Office

And now Community?

I just watched the first two episodes, and it was amazing! Everyone should go watch the show right now.

Possibly my favorite part about this trailer (can I call it a metatrailer?) is how they make it look like a heartfelt after school special/Glee commercial about half way through; manipulative and overly emotional music, unnecessary slow motion, a dissolve that goes from one guy walking to the same guy walking in a different direction, and culminating with people fighting then coming to terms with things. This formula has been seen in EVERYTHING EVER ON TV. Don't believe me? Jump 3/4 into any of the trailers below, right to the point when the music changes to something overly dramatic or emotional, and take a look (especially the last trailer).

"Shouldn't the name for 'dyslexia' be a palandrome?"

2009-09-15T10:33:00.000-07:00

I recently bought Keith Lowell Jensen's CD "To The Moon...Live at Luna's" on accident when I was told that it was a "best of" compilation of Mort Sahl and Don Rickles. Deception aside, it turned out to be a damn good (non-Jewish) comedy album. Jensen has been featured on Spike TV, some news programs in Sacramento, and a bunch of other shows that I can't think of right now, and he's basically been getting a lot of press for someone out of Sacramento that hasn't killed anybody. Keith's comedy is a blend of great storytelling and observations, and stays away from heavy handed politics and cynicism that other indie comedians of his ilk use. Clever, sarcastic, strangely optimistic and slightly self-deprecating; sometimes abstract, and often lowbrow. Basically a combination of everything I love. Keith's topics range from having a kid, being told he was "hella gay at being straight", Indian tech support, and scooters and Segways.

Speaking of non sequiturs, did I tell you about the Coexist Comedy Tour? Keith is the same guy that created a religious themed comedy tour where a Muslim, a Hindu, a Christian, an Atheist, and a Jew all get together and show their tolerance by badmouthing each other. It's sickly beautiful like a mushroom cloud, or a lake of fire. Check it out and pray to your gods that they come back around.

Please support indie comedy and check out the CD and tour! At the very least, support his panhandling skills.

Dead Is The New Black

2009-09-06T17:29:00.000-07:00

The logo for one of the gangs that Ashley and I are in: The Lazor Saviorz

I don't really know what to write, but it's been way too long, so I've got to put something.
I went to Outside Lands last weekend and got to see some...interesting sets. On Saturday I had to sit through the whitest set of music possible. It was Jason Mraz, Black Eyed Peas and Dave Matthews Band. So brutal. Dave Matthews totally reminds me of watered down Kool-Aid: It's bland enough that everyone can drink it, and no one can enjoy it. It's basically the kind of stuff my parents want to see when they go to a county fair. It makes me wonder what place in the world this music has for anyone that's over the age of 10 or under the age of 60.
Though it sounds like an Apocalyptic line up (The E.N.D. must be BEP's way of preparing us for their brothers War, Death and Famine), there were some brilliant flashes of light. The National, Autolux, Silversun Pickups all played amazing sets. But the single best thing all weekend was The Dead Weather, who hands down stole the show. That's got to be the hottest, most charismatic band I've possibly ever seen. It was just a 45 minute smokey, sexy, seductive set as Jack White and Alison Mosshart stalked the stage. I swear I walked out of there pregnant, and with a nicotine habit. Totally worth it. After seeing that band, Modest Mouse, Tenacious D, and even MIA, couldn't compete. Everything else just seemed flat.
Oh yeah! I just remembered I've got another story to tell, but I'll put that in another post so you're not forced to choke down another paragraph of this.

"We've got more trees than Green Acre's got green"

2009-08-10T21:21:00.000-07:00

The Funniest Thing In The World

I just spent two weeks in the Santa Cruz mountains at Bosch Baha'i School as co-director for Youth Institute (kids age 15-17). Now I'm back in SF, and though I was physically exhausted and spent when I got back, I was mentally feeling refreshed, rejuvenated, and ready for the world.

What an adventure it was. To summarize, there was a busted ankle, a back injury, heat stroke, not one but TWO trees falling on people (though Dariush did catch one of them mid-fall. I mean he literally CAUGHT a tree), a flu epidemic, the near loss of an eye due to improper use of a name tag, my discovery that Robitussin and sea salt truly can cure all those problems ("just rub a little in your eye. It'll work, trust me."), a guitar-off, a dance-off, an impromptu lunch time sing-off (where the students learned the true power of the teachers/directors), the first performance of the speed metal band Satan's Juice (or Zeus Juice, or Thor's Hammer, or something), the near riot caused by an epic pillow fight, a fire (and near evacuation of the entire mountain), a tribute to MIA with cups, a tribute to Twilight with teachers, multiple tributes to Michael Jackson. We learned how to beautify our tongues and what to adorn ourselves with, and we also learned what was to be found "20 degrees off of zero", what was the spirit of Bosch, the spirit of Christmas, the spirit of Youth Week, and what songs were truly "hot in the streets."

For those that were there, is there anything I missed?

Life Is Still Dancing

2009-08-10T21:04:00.000-07:00

If My Life Were A Dance...

2009-08-06T22:31:00.000-07:00

Life is this good.

Knowing Is Half the Battle

2009-07-09T13:01:00.000-07:00

The GI Joe movie is going to be terrible I'm sure. Why can't they make it like the new TV movie GI Joe Resolute (written by Warren Ellis?!) or these PSAs? I'm just sayin'.

X ON U2!!!

2009-06-25T15:16:00.001-07:00

A lot of bands have unnecessarily long names, so I decided to create the nine-headed hydra of band names. I need to start a band just so I can call it this:

They Shoot Horses Don't They Clap Your Hands Say You Will Know Us By The Pains of Being Pure at Godspeed, You Black Rebel Motorcycle Soundtrack of Our Sunny Day Panic at The Brian Jonestown Massacre As I Lay Dying I Am The Plot to Blow Up The World Trade Social Club Does It Offend You, Yeah But I've Chosen The (International) Noise Conspiracy Through The Eyes of the Five Bodies Four Suburban Kids With Biblical Names With Blood Comes Thee Michelle Gun Elephant Bullet For My Airborne Toxic Black Moth Super Cute Is What We Aim For Everything But the Evolution Control Committee Against the Machines of Loving Makers of the Dead Travel Fast Training For Utopia On the Radio From The Crypt In Helsinki What Made Milwaukee Famous For The Painfully Pretty Girls Make Rich Kids On Scary Kids Scaring Handsome Boy Modeling School Presidents of the United States of America From Autumn to Saturday Looks Good to These Arms Are...Boris Yeltsin

Worst band name ever: Cute Is What We Aim For
Runners up: I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness, Suburban Kids With Biblical Names, and Five Bodies Four Graves

Any band names I left out?

Burton In Wonderland

2009-06-24T13:06:00.000-07:00

I'll see you,too, in Wonderland on March 5th next year. But 'till then...

Seeking Staff for Hamburger Helper Beyonce Tour

2009-06-23T16:46:00.000-07:00

That is NOT a joke. That was the real title for the following email:

Seeking Outgoing and Fit Females and Males for Hamburger Helper Promotion at Special Event!

Requirements:

- Fit and Attractive

- Must have previous experience demonstrating and promoting diet and fitness related products

- Friendly & Approachable

- Ability to sell and engage consumers

- Must be able to interact actively and informatively to consumers on the newest trends in exercise and healthy eating habits.

Event Details: Promote Hamburger Helper assist tour crew with any duties and event set up and breakdown and execution.

IMPORTANT: All staff must be very flexible with this schedule. Hours are subject to change! YOU MUST BE ABLE TO WORK ALL DATES. NO EXCEPTIONS.

The Truly Important Debates Continue

2009-06-22T18:18:00.000-07:00

The pretentious bearded NY indie art "Harvard Grad Writing Program" alumni battle rages on with Brooklyn based Dirty Projectors. I don't really care about anyone else's reviews of Bitte Orca other than this one here (begin at 3:15):

Regardless of what I thought of Rise Above, the new album (especially "Stillness Is the Move") is pretty much amazing.

Ed. Note: Ok, I'm listening to the album while I write this, and I have to say that the guy singing kind of makes my brain want to kill itself. It's like Einar of The Sugarcubes or Fred Schneider of the B-52's (though Fred's voice is kind of endearing). Maybe they can survive on their own, but when compared to their female counterparts, it just sounds like Music Day at deaf camp.

"Surprise! You're Dead!"

2009-06-16T17:54:00.000-07:00

My friend celebrated her 30th birthday last weekend with a "Death of My 20's" themed party. While at the party, gorging on three layer chocolate cake with tombstones made of Milano cookies, we got to talking about the Scary Stories books we all had as a kid. Well, everyone but me, as they were too damn scary to actually own. But I did read all of them, and more importantly, I had the incredibly disturbing images seared into my brain. I remember when the Scholastic Book Fair would come to my school and I would sit there reading the Scary Stories books, or borrow them from friends during lunch or recess.

I don't know what it is that's so hypnotic about the morbid imagery of those books; a disfigured head, a distorted horse skeleton, a bloated, rotting and gnarled image of "Sam's New Pet." It's the same way I always felt (and still feel to this day) about walking into the horror section of a good local video rental shop. I remember walking into Roy's TV and Appliance and picking up Ultraman on VHS then taking a furtive walk down the horror aisle (family section in the front right, then comedy, drama, and finally horror way at the back). I was never allowed to watch horror films as a kid, so I was left with the clamshell VHS box covers. Images from the covers of Nightmare On Elm Street, The Company of Wolves, Poltergeist (1 and 2), C.H.U.D., House, Puppet Master, Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (it was the last movie on the bottom row of the second to last aisle), and Ghoulies stand out to this day.

Not to go too far off on a tangent, but I'm glad I was raised in the great horror filled world of the 80's instead of the depressing bland world of the 90's. Kids of the 90's were stuck with Scream and Deepstar Six and Dr. Giggles, and will never know what it was like to grow up in a world of The Fly and The Thing. Plus, no matter how bad the 80's movies were, the covers were always brilliant. In fact, the worse the movie, the more literal and flagrant the covers became.

Horror films are back to being amazing, and kids born in 2000 get to be traumatized by the likes of The Ring, Saw and The Descent (awesome movie cover).

In six months time, I'll be celebrating my 30th birthday, and three decades of horror film curiosity. In honor of this flashback down a darkened Memory Lane and a look towards a dystopia filled with Old Gods, here's a couple videos that incorporate some of my favorite things.

I love this video so much. Many tears of joy for using clips from Carnival of Souls, Plan 9 and Tarantula

A Threat to Marriage

2009-06-04T09:21:00.000-07:00

I don't like to get political on these posts, but I think this story is something we all should worry about.

Conservatives Warn Quick Sex Change Only Barrier Between Gays, Marriage

He's Just Not That Into You

2009-06-03T17:14:00.001-07:00

Joanna Newsom never looked better.

I went and saw Drag Me To Hell last weekend, and I left there feeling a whole lot of "meh," which translates in English to "that movie didn't really do anything for me, but I didn't hate it." Apparently I'm the only person in the world that feels this way, as Rotten Tomatoes, IMDB, and the four other people I saw it with (whose opinions pull more weight than the other two sites combined) all really enjoyed it. Personally, I'd rather just watch Army of Darkness or Evil Dead 2 again, and I just don't get what was so great about the movie.

Jump ahead to today, and I was listening to All Songs Considered (I know, I know. Someone's an aging SF hippie attempting to "stay fresh." Whatever. I love NPR.), and Bob Boilen was talking about bands he should love but doesn't. This has been on my mind a lot, as lots of people I trust are often times way into bands that I just don't enjoy, and I don't know what I'm missing.

Below is a list of bands that I'm just not that into (or flat out don't like).

1) The Clash (the later stuff in particular)
2) Pavement
3) Wilco
4) Elvis
5) REM
6) Devendra Banhart*
7) The Cure
8) Fleet Foxes
9) Morrissey*
10) Beach Boys
11) Joanna Newsom
12) Vampire Weekend*
*BARF!

For some bands it's easy to tell the problem, and it's an issue of hype being greater than the talent. Is Morrissey really that good? REALLY?! Does Vampire Weekend deserve to be Band of the Year or are they better as track 8 on some mix CD entitled Moderate at Best? Other times, like with Wilco, I get that the band is good (talented musicians/lyricist, etc. etc.) and see why others like them, but I just get a bit drowsy and wonder how long it takes to listen to a 3 1/2 minute song. Other artists (Elvis, Fleet Foxes) I have no reason or explanation. Don't expect me to have an answer (as I'm not nearly as self-aware or articulate as, say, Bob Boilen) as to why I don't like them.

I'd love to hear some feedback on bands that you can't get behind.

Note: If you ever need clarification on how to spell Devendra's name, here you go. Thanks Google. You knew what I was thinking.

Is Jarvis Cocker the Greatest Lyricist Ever?

2009-05-30T12:32:00.000-07:00

"I am not Jesus, but I have the same initials."
-Dishes

I hopped out of the shower earlier today, and playing on my iTunes was the song "Leftovers" from Jarvis Cocker's latest album Further Complications. I usually don't pay attention to lyrics when I'm just mucking around the house, but I was caught by the first verse:

I met her in the museum of paleontology
And I make no bones about it
I said if you wish to study dinosaurs,
I know a specimen whose interest is undoubted

Good God. How horribly brilliant is that?! Who else could POSSIBLY sing lines that bad, delivered in a sea of syrupy emotion and yet still have it come across sincere? That verse is a self-deprecating yet somehow arrogant comment using a pun built around the word "paleontology". And the entire song (album, career) is just that good. He goes on to say:

Well, he says that he loves you like a sister
Well I guess, I guess that's relative
He says that he wants to make love to you
Well instead of "to", shouldn't that be "with"?

WHAT?! That's even more incredible than the other verse! This time it's a pun on platonic versus romantic love with a side of incest, and a grammar/speech lesson all rolled up. It's a constant blast of brilliance, track after track. Just look at these song titles taken just from his solo career: "Caucasian Blues," "I Never Said I Was Deep," "Fat Children," and "Disney Time." Amazing.

Philip
Cocker is also the most over-the-top sexually charged lyricist, and yet at the same time a goofy, beady-eyed Brit, attempting to channel Michael Caine from (what else) the movie Pulp. He makes fun of sexuality while simultaneously indulging in it. But that's what makes his stuff (lyrics, charisma, projected personality, image) work so well. He's in on the joke. He can say "I know that you're engaged to him/but I know that you want something to play with baby," with a wink, but sincerely mean it at the same time. No one could possibly do what he does. Check out the Charlotte Gainsbourg album 5:55 (lyrics by Cocker) and you'll see that anyone delivering Jarvis' words other than Jarvis just doesn't work.

Perhaps it just really dates me ranting about someone so associated with 90's Brit Pop (does anyone other than Mojo still care about The Stone Roses?) but whatever. Jarvis (via Pulp) said it best 11 years ago:

You can dye your hair but it's the one thing you can't change.
Can't run away from yourself.
In the meantime we try, etc. Funny how it all falls away.
So help the aged....

Amazing video for the single off his last album Jarvis.

"Live Every Week Like It's Shark Week"

2009-05-26T13:56:00.000-07:00

Today's the day everyone's been waiting for. It's the official release of Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus. For those of you who don't know, MSVGO is the brilliant movie about a shark that can be described only as "mega" and an octopus that adjectives fail to do justice, though the director describes it as "giant." And what's even more important than the plot is the fact that it stars Deborah "Not Tiffany" Gibson, and Lorenzo "The Renegade" Lamas! This is a movie that's so brilliant and amazing that it has completely overshot theaters and gone straight to DVD. Hopefully next week I can try to find some financial results for the flick, and we'll see how many thousands (no...MILLIONS) of DVD's it sells.

Really though, I know this is just going to be a situation where the trailer is better than the movie. Actually, I think that's what today's post should be. Trailers that are better than the full movie. So yeah, here's some random ones in no particular order. If anyone has some flicks to add, let me know!

1) Special
2) The Ten
3) Alfie (The Michael Caine one)
4) A.I.
5) Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
6) Final Fantasy
7) Corpse Bride
8) High Tension
9) I'll Sleep When I'm Dead
10 Sukiyaki Western Django

Why Is This The Greatest Website Ever...

2009-05-20T14:01:00.001-07:00

...and why am I only now finding out about it? It's like my nightmares are having a psychadelic seizure. It's way past disturbing, but at least it makes me look at Harold and Maude in a new light.
It may possibly take over this page as my new favorite.

Strange Love Or: How I learned to Stop Wondering and Love the Frogs

2009-05-14T18:23:00.000-07:00

Lately I haven't been able to stop listening to the album Histoire de Melody Nelson, and it got me wondering what it is about Serge Gainsbourg that makes him so awesome. I know that so much of his brilliance is in the puns and depth of his words, but I don't speak French. I'm definitely no Francophile that has to be into all things France. In fact I really don't care about Paris, the Eiffel Tower, the "romantic atmosphere" or anything like that. I can't take French rap albums seriously (picture Xzibit trying to rhyme the word "Sarkozy" for two hours) and escargot is stupid. It all just seems like The Emperor's New Clothes. People are told to love France, so they do. There are some great things that France has exported including Vincent Cassel, Air, French fries, the movie Fantastic Planet, and mimes. Other than that, there's not a whole lot there that inspires me to spend time thinking about the country.

So why Serge Gainsbourg? At first glance you might think he has a lot working against him. Was he a creepy looking troll? Yes. Was he an insane alcoholic degenerate dirt bag? Most definitely. Did he hang out with PETA friendly racist homophobes like Brigitte Bardot? Totally. Was he French? Oui. Really all he had going for him was that he was married to Jane Birkin and popularized a duet about underage incest pedophilia (sung with his daughter, Charlotte, no less).

But everything that works against him is also what I love about him. How can I not like a guy that kept getting more and more famous for being a raging, hostile and insane yet lovably charming and self-loathing narcissist? The Vatican, BBC, and repressed political right also didn't like the guy, and if that's not worth giving him a holiday, I don't know what is. Hell, he even managed to make Bob Marley hate him! Throw in a concept album about a middle-aged man hitting a teenage girl with a Rolls Royce and then going on to seduce her, and you might as well make him the captain of the SS Asshole.

Anyways. Thank you for being a nutcase, Mr. Gainsbourg. Your misogyny and verbal abuse, particularly towards Whitney Houston, is nothing short of inspiring.

Whitney Houston vs Serge Gainsbourg
by BBBVIDEO

Now That's Just Lazy Awareness

2009-05-06T23:16:00.001-07:00

Really? Just a walk? I think I'd probably run.

Lost World Goes 60's Psych...Cambodian Style

2009-05-05T23:36:00.000-07:00

It's not often that I get to see a performance of somethng and have it blow my expectations to high hell. I usually have to set the bar pretty low (which says a lot more about the events I go to than anything else), but not this time. Tonight at the Castro Theater there was a screening of the 1925 movie The Lost World while the band Dengue Fever performed a score live. It was unbelievable! Definitely one of the best shows (if I can even just call it that) I've ever been to! From the opening credits to the close of the curtain, it was an incredibly moving and awesome experience. Dengue Fever's score was beautifully arranged, and it changed the entire movie. Whether they were performing a mysterious 60's psych sound driven by creeping organ music or a French accordion song or a frenetic dance beat as a Brontosaurus trampled through London, Dengue Fever played one of the most inspired sets I've ever seen. Every scene was so rich and dynamic, and the dramatic acting of the stars felt like they were performing to the same music I was hearing. The band's performance was tight and professional but organic and fluid. Dengue Fever earned every second of the standing ovation they got at the end of the night.

If I have to pick a favorite LA psych band that sings in Khmer, I'd have to go with this one.

Please go buy an album, purchase a song, see their concert or something.

PS,
I really see that without angry sarcasm to mask my inability to write, I just sound like a tool. Don't worry, I'll be back to my usual blend of insecurity hidden in a lovely sandwich of bitter humor by next post.

Cinco De Mayo: More Than a Cheap Trick

2009-05-05T13:35:00.000-07:00

I've been obsessing over the Rudo Y Cursi soundtrack since I heard it a couple weeks ago. I don't know much about Mexican music, so hearing The Black Lips (radicool), Juana Molina, and Nortec Collective covering traditional Mexican songs was pretty mind blowing (expanding) for me, but then I saw this video:

This video has it all! Gael Garcia Bernal covering Cheap Trick in Spanish while Latinas gyrate in a field of flowers. Plus ponies and accordions. Now if only the video had chili flavored watermelon candy and the housekeeping staff of the Four Seasons, it would have every great Mexican export.

This more than makes up for the Swine Flu.

Moondog is the Blind Emerald Seer?

2009-05-05T09:01:00.001-07:00

I know I'm going to lose everyone on this, but no one's reading anyways.

The question I pose to you:

Is Moondog the blind Emerald Seer from Krull?

If you haven't seen Krull or you haven't listened to Moondog, stop everything and rectify that. I don't recommend doing both at the same time or you're likely to make your head explode, Scanners style.

Emerald Seer

Moon Dog

Can People Distinguish Pâté From Dog Food?

2009-05-02T19:57:00.000-07:00

Apparently they can't.

And to think I was called a jerk when I served dog food at a party in Sacramento and didn't tell anyone. I was just a forward thinker!

Britney's Back. And By Britney, I Mean Nic

2009-04-29T17:27:00.001-07:00

So yeah, I'm back. I haven't been writing on here in a long time, but like any good hero, I had to disappear for the people to recognize the void left when I was gone. It was like A World Without Superman. Beautiful women and men in tights mourned my disappearance. It was also like that Paula Cole song. Where HAVE all the cowboys gone? They went the way of the dodo. Except for this cowboy, who went the way of the shark. I didn't have to evolve, I just had to keep moving; traveling.

So travel I did. I walked the earth like Caine in Kung-Fu, I shopped like Vivian Ward in Pretty Woman, and I read like the Frog Brothers in Lost Boys. I watched a few movies, went to a couple concerts, and ate a whole lot of cheese. I met Michael Chabon, saw the musical Wicked, and appreciated the hidden humor in Àbdu'l-Bahà's Some Answered Questions. I got a scooter the same week my friend got in a scooter accident, and I discovered that the old menu at Front Porch beats the new menu of Farmer Brown's. All in all it was good to stop writing for a bit, but I'm happy to be back.

Now you can breathe a sigh of relief.

Comic Movie of the Year?

2008-05-20T09:13:00.000-07:00

What a year for comic geeks. Iron Man, Hulk, Batman, Punisher, Hellboy, and The Spirit all have films this year. Wolverine news is out there, and rumors abound for The Watchmen. It's inspiring to see great flicks coming out, but for every Iron Man, we have a Spiderman 3 or Fantastic Four. It's a double edged sword, and I hope Hollywood moguls realize that it is possible to make a movie that's high quality AND makes money! Not everything has to be an indie favorite like Persepolis or a high budget shit bird like Ghost Rider. Ugh. Nic Cage needs to be banned from making movies. Anyways, here's hoping that the rest of the year is 100% awesome! Show your support by wearing one of these to the Dark Knight on July 18th.

When Comics and Video Games Go Wrong

2008-05-19T16:26:00.000-07:00

Everybody loves Lego's. I dare you. No, I DOUBLE dare you to try and find someone who doesn't dig Lego's. But Lego Star Wars the video game?! Is that REALLY necessary?! And now there's Lego Batman the video game. What the hell is the point of that?! I thought the genius behind Lego's is the fact that you get to build stuff yourself. In real life. With things. But no, now they've got a video game based on a building block toy set based on a comic book. Why?! And before you say "But Lego Star Wars was FUUUN! Lego Batman looks FUUUN!" Yes it was and yes it does, but why does it have to be Legos? At this point you might as well make origami He-Man the video game or Flintstone Vitamins the videogame. Let me know your thoughts on this whole debacle.

Holy G-Force, Batman!

2008-05-19T14:29:00.000-07:00

Cliff Chiang recently unearthed some old anime and manga inspired Justice League images. Sure they may be "shameless pastiches" of classic Japanese characters, but I'll be damned if they don't look amazing! Check out that Batman below and the Giant Robo inspired Superman.

Chip Kidd Is Having A Crisis

2008-05-19T10:51:00.000-07:00

To anyone that judges books by their cover, you probably know the name Chip Kidd. Hell, if you've ever even seen a cover and thought how much you wanted that book, then it was probably done by designer Kidd. He's the brains behind covers to Jurassic Park, David Sedaris, Schultz, and dozens of other books you've loved the covers of. Chip now gets to show his love of Batman and DC comics by giving the redesign treatment for Final Crisis and Trinity. Check out Newsarama's interview with Chip Kidd for details on the project.

Stank

2007-03-02T05:47:00.001-08:00

Man I smell. And it's not the kind of smell that you know is coming, it's like some kind of ninja/commando thing that just pops up from no where with a grenade launcher in one hand, and an AK-47 in the other with a cigar in its mouth. The Smell (which stands about 6'2', 260 lbs.) has been creeping through the jungles near the mansion killing the not-so-alert/non-descript guards. By the time internal security is notified that the soldiers in section Alpha-3 aren't responding, it's too late. The Smell emerges with guns ablaze and no one can stop it. Somehow, The Smell is armed to the teeth like it's World War 3 (probably because of his life as an ex-commando, or Russian Captain, or Marine, or something) and he wants revenge. Buggy's and jeeps are dispatched, but it doesn't matter. They are easily disposed of (due to a couple well placed bazooka blasts, and some mysterious ramps that make the vehicles flip over) and the Smell makes his way into the compound. Just then, the Smell's counter part (usually taking the form of an ex-military buddy, an old friend, or something), Axe (sometimes Old Spice) steps forward with a cocky knowing grin and the real battle ensues. But it's too late. Axe (sometimes Old Spice) was working for greed, injustice, and sometimes out of jealousy, and The Smell's intentions are that of a pure nature, and from the rubble of the exploded mansion (something blew up the mansion by the way) emerges the Smell. Only The Smell remains in all its glory.

That's how bad I stink.

Deciding Kids Future, One Class at a Time

2007-03-02T05:46:00.000-08:00

've been substitute teaching for about 2 weeks now and it's been going really well. Subbing, if done right, requires a minimum amount of work and stress. I've taken classes where I work only 3 hours a day, but get paid for full shifts, and make sure that any school I take has internet access in the classroom. It's been so easy and finally gives me the time I need to...well...write this post.

During these 2 weeks, I've been trying to find the balance between doing my job, letting the kids have their freedom and creativity, and still making them get their work done. How the hell can I do all that? Somethings got to be sacrificed. So what I've decided is to sum up the kids when I see them. If they have the potential to be a great thinker, maybe an artist, or if they are showing something other than the collective group thought of public school (as seen in things like excessive bouts of school spirit, Wet Seal and anything made by Michael Bay) then I let them do what they want, because frankly, a high school worksheet handed out by a sub, isn't going to help anyone (plus it creates more work for me). But if I see them and all I think of is wether they can park my car without scratching it, then I make them do the worksheet. My jobs gotten easier now that people fit into little compartments made by my brain. This concludes our lesson.

Home is where you hang yourself

2005-09-09T07:02:00.000-07:00

I'm home. After a 3 hour delay, 1 hour lay over, and 12 hour flight, I made it home. It hasn't really hit me that I'm back in America, the land of good customer service and excessive SUV's. I got back yesterday evening and then went and my first job after being home, more important then seeing my family, was having Mexican food. Thankfully (since I had to see my family first) my parents read my mind and took me to some new restaurant down from their house. How was it you ask?
Dear god. Chile Relleno's are officially the greatest food in the world. It was so much better than I remembered it. It was all cheese and chile goodness. My next mission is to have a German chocolate pie. Actually, here's the list of the crap I'm going to eat as soon as I can. If anyone wants to help me (by taking me/buying me the food) I'd be happy to trade you for my company. That's worth it's weight in gold, or at least silver.

The List:
German Chocolate pie
Tiramisu
Adalberto's (Orangevale)
Adalberto's (Carmichael)
Adalberto's (Stockton but I'm not going to Stockton to get it)
Ernesto's
Jamba Juice
Something with fresh strawberries (strwberry pie maybe?)
Willy's onion rings
In n Out
Hamburger Mary's
A real strawberry milkshake
A real chocolate milkshake
chocolate
Nerds
Gummy Bears
Gummy Worms
brownies (you know the ones that have chocolate IN them?)
A real sandwich. (bread, high quality deli meat, mustard, etc.)
ITALIAN FOOD (with cheese)
Paesano's cabanera and/or potato gnochi with gorgonzola cheese
Chocolate chip cookies (soft and fresh with more chocolate than cookie)
Rick's dessert diner
A hot dog (I mean a real polish dog with onions and kraut and mustard)
Twix

Thanks in advance to everyone! I expect to have this list completed today.

Tibet has yaks. Lots and lots of yaks.

2005-08-16T01:34:00.000-07:00

I'm in an internet cafe right now. The altitude sickness has pretty much subsided, and I'm not sure if the headache I have was induced by the 3000 meters or by the freakin runaround Fraser and I have been getting. Nothing is easy to do here. Going to the Potola Palace took 6 hours in the sun, yelling at a travel agent (in the line outside the palace), and then donkey punching this little kid who kept yelling at me to go forward when the line moved. The laws are always changing. 3 days ago we didn't need a permit, and today we do. This morning we were allowed to go to Shitse (sp?) and this afternoon it's off limits to travelers. It's crazy. The country is beautiful and the weather has been awesome. No humidity, little rain, and a warm sun. All in all it's been good, but I feel like burning down a travel agency. Ok I'm off to find toilet paper and one of those funky Tibetan hats. Word.

Murder was the case that I gave them/and the winner is...

2005-08-02T16:51:00.000-07:00

So after a week long battle with my shady boss, I've finally got everything finished in Jilin! I'm leaving tomorrow morning and then I'll be travelling around for a month. It's nice to get out of here, and I'm excited to be doing a whole lot of nuthin' for a while. Before I go, I'd like to give the first annual Nicolas B. Birondo III "Chiner is good" awards!

Best place to eat: This Suchuan place right down from my school. Their banana things were on point and everything was really spicy. I think I said before, I judge the quality of my food by how fast it's trying to exit. This stuff is so hot (yet tasty) that it was on it's way out before it came in.

Best food: Those blessed glazed bananas (basu xiong jao). I don't know if there's a better feeling on earth than eating one of those things. So sweet, so tasty and crunchy and sweet. You could glaze a chair with that stuff and I'd eat it.

Weirdest food: Dog was in the running for it, but I think silk worms (in their cocoons) wins.

Coolest Chinese guy: Dr. Robert. It was going to be my friend Kevin who's given countless advice on how to deal with my school in a matter that doesn't end with a chopstick in someones eye. But Dr. Robert has cured all my ailments, and provided me with the best stories. His stories always ended with him saying "....and then they died. Bye Bye." Always with the "bye bye" Plus his flawless Chinglish (American pronounciation with Chinese grammer) made for a perfect Yoda impersonation. He's also the most helpful friendly person I know here. He's an amazing guy and a great friend.

Coolest Chinese girl: This was tough since I don't like women but it finally came down to my friend Monkey. Not just for her name, but for her great conversations, insight into Chinese culture and the fact that she'd still hang out with me while I do my jig in the middle of busy intersection while screaming "I'm Canadian! I'm Canadian!" in Chinese at the top of my lungs. Good folk.

Dirtiest city (that I've been to): Jilin. It's like Detroit (or any industrial city) with without the government ristrictions. Brown sky and lakes of fire. Yucky

Worst club: JiJi inside Century Hotel. What a freakin boring annoying place. The vibe there was horrible and they just blasted huge videos of 1980's strippers in the background while the DJ and his ponytail played awful awful music.

Best club: Barcode Bar. The cool intimate setup and slightly less tacky than everything else feel, made for a nice club. The second floor had booths and a private room with a camera showing the gorgeous kareoke singers downstairs. The music was brilliant on Sunday nights with different themes ranging from Swing to old school hip hop to loungy jazz. Did I tell you I chose the music there Sunday nights...?

Best thing about the culture: You never go hungry here. They'll order enough delicious yummys to feed an army. And then when they feed an army, they order enough to feed an even BIGGER army! Eating is serious here. It lasts for hours, and doesn't end until you hate the person for feeding you and you hate the restaurant for making you eat.

Worst thing about the culture: Going to the bathroom anywhere, and I mean ANYWHERE! I have to say, watching a kid go pee right where I'm waiting for the bus is pretty gross. And it was raining so the gutter was backed up. That means that the flood water was about 45% water, 55% pee. I also saw someone let their kid drop trou and go right on the doorway of a fancy restaurant. I don't even want to tell you about all the times I've seen someone go poo poo.

Ok, that's the best I could come up with for now! Congratulations to all the winners! You deserved it.

I'm grumpy

2005-07-02T11:19:00.000-07:00

ARRRGGGGHHH!!!! My new roommates are SHITTY!!! I just got home from a rad night with Fraser, Juliet, and Regan. I came in, got on the computer, and then right before I got to my room I turned on my light and I see there's some guy sleeping on my couch! I have no idea who the hell this is! My roommates have been here 2 days and they
a) brought a dog. I live with a damn DOG! And not a cute one. This dogs so ugly that the owners named it "Ugly." It's freakin' ugly
b) have some random guy staying the night who I don't know and they didn't tell me about
c) assume that it's ok to watch my movies and play my games (when in fact it is but it's the principal of them asking first)
I'm so frustrated! I'm telling my boss tomorrow that I won't work until they're out of the HOUSE! AHHHH! I want to yell, but that would wake them up. *sigh*

I need sleep.

Gather ye two of every animal...except the Unicorn. Because they're freaks.

2005-06-30T16:17:00.000-07:00

None of us have seen this before. I mean the locals, the foreigners, or myself. The weather has been so crazy lately. It'll be sunny and humid, and then literally within seconds, it'll start pouring with rain. And I don't mean rain like Sacramento gets, I mean a REAL crazy hurricane of a storm! Yes I know Sac. had some crazy floods during the winter, but we're having it throughout the whole country. Hundreds of people are dead because of it. Granted, it's more common in other provinces, but our poor city isn't prepared for it.
Last night was the worst storm I've ever been in. My friend was driving me to my class and we couldn't see 5 feet in front of us because of all the rain. Trees and bikes covered many of the roads, and entire parts of the city were blocked off because of flooding. It's been nuts. This has been some of the worst storms in China in almost a century. Ugly.

Changing Weather (that's symbolism!)

2005-06-08T18:42:00.000-07:00

*sigh* Stupid computers. I finished writing this already and my browser shut down, so now I have to try and repeat the magic. Here's a second rate post for you. Have fun.
After 7 months of winter, the sun has decided to come back to Jilin. I'd like to thank my parents, Becca, and Amber for bringing California love and good vibrations across the ocean to the cold and dark North East of China. Two weeks ago my parents and friends came to visit for what proved to be a rather painless and hopefully somewhat enjoyable experience. I've come to take Jilin for granted and the shine has worn off leaving a dull finish. It was great to see China through their eyes and put the polish back on this town. The sun was out almost the whole time making Jilin an interesting fun filled city, and my daily life seemed different and new again .But what post of mine would be complete without a slight sneer? Let me tell you about the storm before the calm.
On Tuesday morning I was preparing my house for my parents arrival the next day, when I got a call from my friend/coworker Kevin (who set up the transportation for my parents).
"Hi Nic. What day are your parents going to arrive?"
"Tomorrow morning at ten," I said as I stacked books and buried bodies.
"Oh ok. They're here at the airport."
"WHAT?!"
My parents arrived a day earlier than I expected! My mom told me they were coming on my dad's birthday. Well his birthday was that day in CHINA but not in America. Stupid time zones/Nic! I raced out the door feeling the pressure of 1000 blackholes weighing on my back. My friend James drove like he was Steve McQueen in LeMans (am I the only one who saw that?) and we arrived in record time. Of course, I was already FOUR hours late, so that's like congratulating someone for 5th place in a checkers competition (I like checkers).

And that's about it. No more complaining from me. That was the only real hiccup the whole trip. The rest of the time was adventure and excitment. My parents were great and easy to entertain (I don't want to say easILY entertained because that would make them seem like kittens with a paper bag or something). Everyone here treated my parents like royalty and took us to dinners and lunches and wanted to hang out at any available chance. It's amazing how well parents are treated here. I have such an appreciation of Chinese kindness and generosity. After a week of following me around on my day to day routine, my parents were off to the big capitol called Beijing (or Peking if you're an ignorant blasphemer). Then began the stress of entertaining my friends.
If my parents are a sunday drive in the summer, my friends are James Dean's last ride. The two weeks they were here was a blur of sugar infusions (thanks for the FIVE POUND bag of Jolly Ranchers, and the Hershey's miniatures!) and shopping. So. Much. Shopping. We went to many different shopping districts where I was able to flex my Chinese negotiating muscles. Bargaining in China is a game; almost a sport. It's about as intense and draining as football except without the pads, and against a 5 foot tall Chinese woman. It involves a lot of yelling and ranting and gnashing of the teeth, and then ends with me saving about 4 yuan (50 cents). But the point is you saved money, right?
Other than shopping, we went and saw tons of sights in Jilin. Century Square, is a giant open area (about the size of a football field)used for dancing, exhibitions, and...roller skating! It's not like America where you have to skate around in a stupid circle. Here, you have the entire square to skate around and fall and embarass yourself in front of hundreds of Chinese people who already think of you as a freaky foreigner with stupid hair. I hate skating.
The highlight of Jilin was the secret, kung-fu, batcave gay club. It was the only gay bar in Jilin and was smaller than the closet these guys came out of. We walked in and the first thing I saw was a Chinese drag queen in a short red skirt and pigtails lip synching to Chinese pop. Honestly, I don't think I've felt more at home than when I was here. We sat down and enjoyed the show and then spent the rest of the night learning to Cha cha and line dance. At the end of the night, when all the regulars had left and it was just us and the employees, we said our good byes and everyone walked us to the door! It was great! Ok I'm off to make kids more better at English. Thus concludes my post.

Japan: Smaller and more efficient

2005-05-09T07:02:00.000-07:00

Japan is the freakin' future. It's a beautiful utopia of supermodels and live action anime characters .
If anyone wants to know what the rest of the world will look like in 10 years, they just need to look at Japan.I just spent 10 days and $1000 (somehow that's considered a budget trip there) in Tokyo and made many discoveries. I've seen the future people, and it is good.

In the future:

It's so damn clean. The streets of Tokyo had NO litter, dog poop, graffiti, or ugly people. Amazing. I've never seen anything like it. No garbage or gum on the subways or trains. What's weird is there are hardly any garbage cans around town. I'd carry my trash for blocks before finding somewhere to throw it (like the river). I still haven't figured out where the hell the Japanese put their trash.

There's good news and bad news. The bad news is everythings way too expensive. The good news is you can afford it. Everyone was wearing $1000 shoes and $400 wallets.

There are unnecesary sensors on everything. I don't think I opened one door or flushed one toilet the entire time I was there. Everything is automated. Even all the stores and taxis have automatic doors that open and close for you! The toilets have 8000 buttons on them, and not one of them flushes the damn the thing. One time I spent about 15 minutes on the can having water go up my ass, then hot air, then cold air, then a flushing sound effect (they do it so other people don't have to hear them pee. I'm serious!) then something else that either opened someone's garage door, or sent robot bees on the attack. Then I figured out that there's a sensor on the wall that you run your hands over. Too bad I didn't find out when I was at the restaurant.

Everyone's beautiful. It's like when all the extras in a movie are really hot and then you say "where the hell are they from?! No one looks like that in my world." Well they're not from your world. They're from the future.

there's no crime. People had Louis Vuitton wallets hanging out of their pockets and would leave their cars running when they went inside convenience stores. Bikes and motorcycles were left unlocked. Vending machines and signs were not vandalized. Not even one fake moustache or penis drawn was on the billboards. My friend told me she once left her camera at a bar, and a week later she went back to pick it up and it was there. Why is it so safe? It's a combination of personal guilt/shame for being disrespectful and...

There's ninjas everywhere doing ninja like things keeping the streets safe. How do I know there's really ninjas, since I obviously couldn't see them? Well there was not even one alien invasion, monster attack, or rampaging robot the whole time I was there. Keep up the good work, Ninjas!

Even the homeless people are clean. They don't ask for change or anything. They just sweep their living spaces (I'm completely serious) and read books. My friend told me that they even take off their shoes before they go into their living area! Who ever said that too much pride can be a bad thing?

The government runs the city and the yakuza run the government. Ok, so even the ninjas can't do everything. The yakuza's just too strong. (note: the following is true). About a block away from my friends home is "Johnathans Coffee Shop" which is a yakuza hang out. A couple weeks before I got there, there was a big shoot out, and 2 mob guys were killed. I asked how I can spot the yakuza, and she said just like in the movies, they all have tons of tattoos, missing fingers, and fancy ass cars. Actually, tattoos are frowned upon because of their relationship to Yakuza, and some public places won't let you in if you have visible ones. I saw posters around town looking for a few different mob bosses. I couldn't read what they said, but I did understand the diagrams of tattoos and the picture of the hand with a missing finger. Yakuza are tuff.

Macky and the crew

Everyone's friendly and helpful. My friends got lost one time and they asked some guy for directions. He didn't know how to get to the club, so he got the police, came back, and walked them to the club. Meanwhile, I was talking to some punkrock kids I just met about how rad the Meteors are. They invited me to some rock n' roll party the next night, and I've even been emailing one of them, Macky Ramone (the missing 5th Ramone). I've got other stories about doing Green Day kareoke with 3 Japanese guys, and getting caffeinated drinks from random strangers, but I'll move on...

Robots are everywhere. In fact, I couldn't even tell which ones were robots and and which were humans! They were that lifelike.

Japanese people can still get away with stupid fashion. No one else in the world can look like Bon Jovi and make it work like the Japanese. And when American kids act angsty and wear "goth" clothes, I want to donkey punch them, but when the Japanese do it, I just want to read the comic that inspired them. Comics are neat.

Damn. Our future's so bright, I need to wear $800 designer shades.

What's wrong with this picture

2005-04-20T22:46:00.000-07:00

So you've heard me bitch and whine and rant and complain for a little over 9 months. You'd figure I'd be used to everything by now, but alas that's not the case. China has swept my legs out from under me more often than that over used Karate Kid reference (I know I lost some people there, sorry). But this time the fate of my children is involved. And now it's personal.
About a week ago one of my students (a government official) informed me that a box was stolen from the chemical plant. What makes this story interesting is that the box was filled with RADIOACTIVE STUFF (to be said in a creepy booming movie voice)! So I thought "Wow! This has the makings of an international crime thriller! Filled with espionage and double agents!" So I asked how something like that got stolen and my student said "Well they think that the man responsible for the box set it down and then someone liked the way it look and stole it."
"Huh?" I replied. How the hell does someone just happen to leave radioactive material lying around?! If it was stolen outside of the chemical plant, then what the hell was the man doing with it anyways?! Shouldn't that stay in a secured area? And if it was stolen at the plant, then who the fuck was walking around there that shouldn't be?! Especially someone stupid enough to see a metal box and steal it. We're not RACCOONS jack ass! You can't just see shiny shit and then make it yours!
What's even more frightening is that isn't the worst part. I was informed that this was the THIRD TIME this has happened! Once in a different city and twice here in Jilin! I was floored. It was past being funny to the point of being saddly pathetic and frightening. Ok so it was still funny, but I was pissed off also. Let me tell you about the last time it happened. Some guy was walking down the street when he found a piece of shiny chain that he decided to keep (now's the time that you go "uh-oh"). After a couple days of keeping it in his pocket and in his house, he started to get sick. Throwing up, dizziness, anal bleeding, etc. He thought nothing of it (anal bleeding has become the standard for how I rate how hot my food was) and kept going. Soon enough the guy ends up in the hospital and, ta-da: they AMPUTATE HIS LEG!!! Yes they took off his leg from where he had been wearing the radioactive chain. Apparently the chain got out of the plant and roamed around like the fucking Red Balloon (remember that movie?) and wound up in some guys jeans! This guy won't be able to walk and will clearly never have kids all because of shitty protective measures at a third rate chemical plant. The story ends well though. The guy was given compinsation of roughly 83 cents american, and a punch in the face.
*sigh*
I'll have good news next time, I swear.

I'm like Samson without his hair

2005-03-04T19:24:00.000-08:00

Puns and sarcasm just don't work. I was telling my friend bad old American jokes and I said "what's black and white and red (read) all over." My friend thought a moment and said "A badly beaten Panda." We both laughed at this and I said "Yeah but you wouldn't even notice since they already have two black eyes!" and he just stared at me blankly.
Five minutes later we were listening to students answer the question "What would you do if you had a magic paint brush." My friend turned and said "I would paint a bank," and I said "Yeah then you could DRAW money out!" He just stared at me blankly again. It's taken 25 years and 5000 miles for me to realized just how funny I'm not.

Here's the general response when I'm trying to be funny.

Tough love; Listen to the sounds of silence

2005-03-04T18:45:00.000-08:00

As you well know, I'm sadistic. Ploease don't laugh, it's an illness. But today I found even my threshold for deriving pleasure in pain:
Children in speech comppetitions.
There's nothing as twisted as subjecting 6 year old's to that kind of pressure/humiliation. You might as well punch a cripple in the chest or stab an elderly woman. Hell those wounds would heal faster. The competition has been going on all weekend and I've been judging the groups ages 6-12. I've had to hear why these kids like their teachers and how old their pets are for about 8 hours now and at first I thought it was cute and sweet, but I was wrong. Way wrong. Normally I like harassing kids (holding their food just out of reach, telling them their parents bought them from a sherpa in Nepal, etc.) but this hurt me down th the core of my very being.
These students have been under tremendous pressure for the last month to memorize speeches, mannerisms, body language, and practicing improvisation. If you know anything about how they train a child for something like this, it's a lot like training a Furbie: Infinite patience and a swift backhand. Or was it like breaking someone in a Clockwork Orange: thorazine and Beethoven? Anyways, I digress. The point is, it borders child abuse. Let me tell you about the competition
The students come in one at a time walk past the judging stares of all the parents. Then they stand in the front of the room where they are given a random topic and told to just talk about it. These kids are 6! English is their second language, and at their age not a very good second language. It's shear agony watching them hear the topic and not understand it, then stand there staring at us for 5 minutes until the time runs out. You can see how happy/nervous/excited they look at fist, then they their expression melts away as they hear the topic and they're left thinking "shit." After the time runs out, the judges have to ask them questions based on their topic. What the hell do you ask a kid who didn't understand the topic?!
"Hey kid, do you know what a failure is? No? Take the next two minutes to reflect and let me know."
It was hard to see these poor kids cry afterwards. So painful.

I think I'll just leave it on that depressing note.

Rusty nails and exposed wires

2005-01-22T23:32:00.000-08:00

I've been meaning to write this post for weeks now, so after walking into a circuit box that was right at forehead level on the street today, I now have reason to. This town is one giant safety hazzard. After miles of walking through this city for the past 6 months I've found enough dangers to have an American fire marshall condemn the whole province. There's no way this place is up to code. There's tons of exposed electrical wires everywhere. Phone lines and powerlines are spliced with wire leading directly into peoples homes. Don't even get me started on the barb wire fences next to the main street that are now covered by 2 feet of snow. My home is like a giant roach motel. Foreigners come in but they're sure as hell not expected to get out. I live on the seventh floor and there's no fire escape. Fine. How often do fires happen anyways? Well, the electricty running through my house is hardly..umm...reliable. I've had plugs melt, extension cords fuse together from heat, and set smoke alarms off countless times (and by smoke alarms I mean the people in my house screaming "fire!" since no one actually has a smoke alarm in China). My front door and only means of escape is a giant metal door that, when locked from the outside, CANT BE UNLOCKED from the inside! If my roommate, the cleaner, the maintenance guy, or any number of people who have the key lock it with me inside, I'm screwed! There's no way I'd survive a fire.
I've decided that I need to have an emergency Chinese kit. I could carry it with me and it would have a little hammer and a sign in a glass case that says "In Case of Emergency, Break glass." Should it a fire extinguisher? No, too heavy. An ax? No, not practical. I got it! a cyanide pill. That's the cure all for problems in China! A fire in the house that I can't get out of? Cyanide. Hit by a crazy taxi? Cyanide. My school shafts me on pay; It's too cold; I banged my shin against a bar? Cyanide. Man that'll get me out of any problem here. It's a hell of a lot more reliable than the hospitals.

My Voice Sounds Better On Paper

2005-01-20T02:40:00.001-08:00

The solution to any emotion is a good CD and a walk down an empty street. I've found a new appreciation for the cold. I finished class and started listening to Staring at the Sun (by TV on the Radio). I couldn't get in a taxi. I couldn't finish the song if I did that. Sure the song would have kept playing but the union/immersion between my five senses would have been lost. So I started walking. I kept walking down the sleeping desolate road. No motion. Even lights had been rendered lifeless by the towering conccrete walls on either side of me. But a strange catharsis swept over me. A paradox
of sensory overload and deprivation all at once. I heard every note as the singer and I crooned and wailed. My hands became overly aware of the pins and needles that were the precursor to numbness. My eyes could see nothing, and that's all they needed. At some unknown point everything shut down. It was like falling asleep. You never know when
it happens until it's all over. I found satisfaction for my ice chapped lips and the novacaine in my hands. I found safety in the dark alleys and concrete blankets. Like hiding my head under my sheets to escape the night. Nothing really chaged except my perceptions and that was everything. I wish I had a tape recorder so I didn't have to break stride. I could
pour my incoherent thoughts into the air and know I could eat them later. Instead I'm sitting under the dim of a street sign illumined by a lonely light. I'm watching the taxis honk and groan as they lurch off the street and into an alley. I need to change the music.

D'oh!

2005-01-02T15:44:00.000-08:00

It's 7:45AM here. I went to bed at midnight and woke up at 6 to get ready for work. I showered, brushed, got my books together and then, right before I left the house, I checked my schedule. My morning classes don't start until next week.

Jilin: A series of Unfortunate Events

2004-12-24T07:16:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting at a restaurant about a block away from my house waiting for my food and trying to figure out wether it's warm enough in here to take off one (two or three) layers of clothes. Now, I'm about to complain for the next couple of minutes, but I'd like to preface this by saying everything is blown out of proportion for the sake of comedy. Things are actually going quite well, so please, take everything I say with a grain of salt. It's not the gospel just the words of a god (ed.: small "g" so it's not blasphemous, ok?).
My life is a pure nightmare. Nothing is going right and it's not a series of huge massive events but rather dozens of small needles compounded into one giant knife. Lets start with the weather. It's negative 30. That means water was freezing 30 degrees ago. What does THAT mean? That means there's an 8 inch ice cube in my ass and my ears are burning. And please spare me the "someone's thinking of you if your ears are burning" BS. No, jackass, it means that the frostbite is setting in and this is my bodies last stand before it goes numb and gives up. If someone IS thinking about me, then they better be thinking about sending me ear muffs, a plane ticket to Thailand (home of tropical weather and liberal prostitution laws), and some headphones for my iPod. The headphones I paid $2 for here don't seem to work. Nothing's worse than listening to my music with blown speakers, except possibly listening to Chinese pop on blown speakers. Which brings me to my next point.
Chinese pop is the worst music in the world since Alvin and the Chipmunks decided they needed a TV show and a Christmas album (who OK'd those projects?). I know "patience is a virtue" and all that jazz, but the person who said that didn't have to hear "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" everyday of his life for 5 months. The next person to sing Richard Marx's "Right Here Waiting" or Celine Dion's sinking ship tribute "My Heart Will Go On," loses an eye. Also what's with the obsession with bad candy covered pop? Everything is a horrible Backstreet Boy knockoff (or worse, Aaron Carter) or early 90's techno and rave music. I thought that died with Milli Vanilli's career? I mean, there's some real music here. I'm told that Beijing has some metal and punk bands and even hosted an international punk concert last year. So why does the rest of China think Avril Lavigne is the worlds gift to rock and/or roll? It's come to the point that I site Justin Timberlake and The Eagles as my biggest musical influences. And when students even mention Linkin' Park or Slipknot, I recognize them as being ahead of their time. Anyways.
In addition to that, I've had some other minor...setbacks. i bought a suit the other day for a very big, very important, and VERY formal anniversary party (think Cinderella ballgowns) and when I tried it on, the first thing that came to mind was Talking Heads era David Byrne. It looked like I was wearing football pads and a refrigerator box. Not good.
So after I took off the suit, I threw on the end of a mini series I had been watching all week, and of course the last 15 climactic minutes cout out and switched to...MOUSE HUNT! You remember that cute movie where Nathan Lane and Christopher Walken got paid a lot (it better be a lot for that wreck) to chase a mouse for two hours? Yeah that one. Damn pirated illegal bootleg copies of Japanese DVD's.
And that finally brings me to why I'm writing this in a restaurant instead of in my house. Well a few hours ago, a maintenance guy came over, and he accidently broke the key off in my door and now I can't get in. I'm hoping it will be ready when I finish eating, but in reality I know it will be ready right after I freeze to death. The only solution was for me to get some spicy noodle soup, listen to T. Rex, and write this journal.

PS
If you read this whole thing without sending me earmuffs, a plane ticket, or headphones, then you seriously might want to question our "friendship."

UPDATE:
All that stuff happened a couple days ago. Why am I just posting it now? The internet connection has been out at my house for a few days so I'm typing this at a friends. And I just found out my trip to Australia I had planned got cancelled. Merry Christmas.

Well if you can't go through the lock, try the freakin' WALL

Absently walking absentmindedly

2004-12-24T07:04:00.000-08:00

So I walked home from work today (a couple miles) and instead of focusing on the oncoming blur of Chinese taxis or the internal battle between my stomach and the twenty-odd Oreos I ate on my way home, I came to a couple of realizations:
Self depricating humor is my favorite kind of humor. It's amazing that someone so vain could think so little of himself (no really, I HAVE gotten fat).
A strong vocabulary and simple mind either make for a well spoken idiot or someone whose ego is predicated on seemingly profound speech. When else would one find a use for "self depricating humor" if not to impress people?

Mmmmm....peanut butter Oreo's...

World's oldest profession

2004-11-23T07:21:00.000-08:00

So I came to a profound realization tonight: I'm a whore. Now, I know what you're thinking "Nic, don't you need to start accepting money (or at least canned goods) for sex to be a whore?" Well to answer your question: No. At least not for sex. Let me explain.
I've started tutoring this guy (no this isn't "My Own Private Idaho") in my spare time. He just got back from a year in Australia, and he doesn't want to lose his English when he goes back so he hired me to speak conversational English in real situations. That basically means we hang out and talk; no text book or anything like that. Tonight he picked me up at my other job and myself, that guy, and his friend went to a pool hall. After playing pool and Playstation basketball, he took me home and gave me a pocket full of cash. I didn't do anything. I totally felt like one of those high priced call girls in the movies that the rich gangsters always hire to laugh at the gangsters jokes and look good, and I don't feel the least bit of guilt. If my next journal is titled "Indecent Proposal," you might want to start worrying.

Vomit really puts things in perspective

2004-11-10T09:54:00.000-08:00

So I was having kind of a downer evening a couple nights ago (don't worry, it's nothing you have to feign concern about). I was leaving my house and right down the street there was this young drunk couple yelling at each other in Chinese. As I got near them, I noticed a third guy squatting down puking between his legs. All this while I was listening to Tenacious D. Quite surreal. From then on I pretty much had a rockin' evening.

Ed, your roommate could have been worse

2004-10-20T10:43:00.000-07:00

Note: I just reread this and some things don't quite flow very well, but frankly, it's 3 in the morning and I don't care if you find me "humorous" or "clever" right now.

Ok, this last month I have had the WEIRDEST roommate situation. And for those of you who have been with me for many years, know that I've had some weird events (ex-girlfriends breaking in; a home birth) but my newest one takes the cake.
The first roommate I had when I moved here was AWESOME! He was this guy from Oklahoma whom I got along so well with! But after he left, I was left with the second best living situation: NO roommate. Then a month ago I got a call from my boss informing me that THAT DAY I would have a new roommate named Danny moving in. "Great" I thought. "Some guy who's going to expect me to wear pants in the living room. Boy is HE in for a rude awakening." Now, I won't bore you with the backbiting details of what he did that annoyed me, I'll just tell you the weirdest things that happened.
So my roommate moved in and within the first 4 days of being there, he had already spent one night at a friends house! "Excellent!" I thought. "Maybe he'll spend most of his time with his friends and leave this incredibly huge, roomy, three bedroom two bath apartment all for me." Well I was half right. He was rarely home, but instead his MOTHER came to live with us (actually, ME) for the NEXT TWO WEEKS. It was so bizarre! His mom moved in (she didn't speak ANY English) but he still went out with his friends and spent the night at other places! I'm not exagerating when I say that 60-70% of his time was spent OUT of the house. Now keep in mind, my roommate hasn't seen his mom in a year, since he was in another country going to school.
I'm sure you're thinking "Gee, Nic! I have a question: Wasn't that kind of strange living with a COMPLETE STRANGER that you couldn't communicate with?"
Answer: yes.
Let me tell you about my average day. I'd wake up and go to the living room to read. Then I'd disappoint his mom by telling her I wasn't hungry and didn't want to eat the 12 eggs she already prepared for me. After that I would go to work, and then after an 8 hour day, I would come home and politely disappoing his mom again by telling her I wasn't hungry and didn't want to eat the watery rice she already prepared for me. Then I'd relax by playing video games for about 10 minutes at which time the poor woman would come out of her room and sit and WATCH me play. We'd exchange uncomfortable looks and then after another ten minutes of this unnerving event, I would race to my room to be alone. Then, out of frustration, I would weep myself to sleep. To be honest, I feel worse for her. The poor woman had NOTHING to do all day except clean my apartment, play soliatire with a deck of cards, or watch one of 5 movies she had (and one of them was Terminator 3).
This went on for 2 weeks before she went home. Luckily, after that I went to Beijing where I was able to let go of any tension or frustration I was feeling. When I returned I was pleased to find that my roommate was gone, probably on some short jaunt with his girlfriend. Over the next 3 days I kept getting calls from his friends asking when he was going to be home. I told them I didn't know, but by the 4th day I started to get concerned so I went into his room to find... ABSOULUTELY NOTHING! He had moved without telling anyone! He didn't tell me, our boss, his friends or anyone else we knew. This rose so many important questions. If my roommate moved out of the house and didn't tell ANYONE, then what was I going to do with the copy of Independence Day and Tomb Raider 2 he left? I'm sure as hell not going to WATCH it.

Pirates like to say "yargh!"

2004-09-24T21:08:00.000-07:00

Everything here is pirated. I mean EVERYTHING! You can walk down the street and find a real Nike shop, and then right next door is the all fake Nike stuff. It's really weird. I've found some really interesting things that have been pirated. I'll start from the predictable to the ridiculous(sp?)

DVD's- Obviously. All DVD's, video games, and CD's are 8 yuan or 1 dollar. Half the reason I'm here is to improve my DVD collection

Video games- The other half of why I'm here.

CD's- Surprisingly, I've found 2 DJ Shadow CD's I didn't have, Blur live, Bauhaus, The Faint, American Analog Set, U.N.K.L.E., The Sea and Cake, and PJ Harveys new one.

Shoes/clothing-You can find everything from Nike to Mike to Adidos to Poma. Let's not get started on "Cucci..."

Cell Phones- "Konka" brand cell phones look strangely like "Nokia" phones.

Toys- Think Mighty Morphing Power Rangers from a flea market.

Busses- Yes RT busses. There's these "pirate" busses that drive in front of the city owned busses trying to get people on. It's bad ass. There's a caller who hangs out the window shouting out the destination and telling people to come on board. It's so rad. Whenever I understand what they're saying I try to take their busses because, damn, it's a PIRATE bus!

Ice Cream- So I was with my friend and we bought ice cream popsickles. The package said "coffee" and "chocolate" and showed a picture of "coffee" and "chocolate." So we assumed that it would taste like "coffee" and "chocolate." But no, when we bit into it what flavor was it? PINEAPPLE! They put pineapple ice cream with a chocolate shell (to cleverly disguise the yellow jelly inside) inside! Who the hell thought "Dude. We can make HELLA bank quickly if we take all these extra "coffee" wrappers and fill them with all the extra pineapple ice cream!" That's insane. You're probably saying "maybe they made a mistake. Those things happen, stupid head!"
Well for your information, I found another place that had the same ice cream. Still pineapple. Now YOU'RE the stupid head!

UPDATE:
Motorcycles- Homda and Honoa brand motorcycles are the most common bikes around. I have yet to find a real Honda.

This has nothing to do with China

2004-09-17T06:14:00.000-07:00

We were talking about Shel Silverstein in my class tonight, and I decided to come home and research some of his adult work (he did stuff for Playboy). The man is a genius. I don't like to toss that term around. He's a damn genius. Here's a sample of his comfortingly sick and twisted take on the ABC's. It's inspiring...

J is for Junkie.
Do you know what a junkie is?
Ask your mommy.
If she will not tell you ask daddy.
If he will not tell you go outside
and tell everybody that your daddy is a junkie.

B is for Baby.
See the baby
The baby is fat
The baby is pretty.
The baby can cry.
See the baby play.
Play, baby, play.
Pretty pretty baby.
Mommy loves the
baby more than
she loves you.

You should see his take on Shakespeare...

Sik Wit it

2004-09-03T18:52:00.000-07:00

So I had my conversational English class last night. There were 10 students, mostly adults in their 40's. Each class I have a student give a 10 minute talk about ANY topic, and last night the youngest student (18 years old) talked about basketball and streetball. When he was talking about streetball, he mentioned the And 1 basketball team, and explained to the class that each member of the team had a nickname that they went by such as Half Man Half Amazing, Headache, The Professor, Hot Sauce, etc. Then he mentioned a player named "Sik Wit It" and I started laughing (that's such a RAD name)! So I had to go into detail of the slang term sik wit it, and what it meant (it means something's good, in laymen terms). So the rest of the class I had these 40 year old doctors going around saying "Teacher, your class is sik wit it!" and "My family is sik wit it." *sigh* Why do they remember that, but NOT how to conjugate verbs. I'm going to bring about the downfall of this culture with bad American slang.

Exploding dog heads

2004-08-13T10:55:00.000-07:00

Damn. Tonight has been so freakin' amazing. Now, you're probably expecting a moving story about this phoenominal nation. Don't. This story goes nowhere and offers nothing. Read on.

So I pretty much had one of the raddest nights in China last Friday. It began as a pretty standard shin-dig at my place but soon erupted into a full blown case of AIDS...no...better yet, FUN!
My roommate and a couple other foreigners were moving, so we all decided to have a going away party for them. People came over and we made good ole' fashion hamburgers. Now, this may not seem like a big deal to anyone, but when you've lived on a steady diet of cold noodles, mixed noodles, mixed rice, fried rice, fried noodles, and fried bananas, the hamburgers might as well have been a gift from the gods. Along with hamburgers, we had Oreos, Tobleron chocolate (my roommate had been hoarding his stash from America), and salad (also a rarity).

And what could have possibly made the food tastier? Watching Trainspotting for probably the 20th time. I love that scene where Tommy is asked if he's going to take his girlfriend out for her birthday or go to the Iggy Pop concert on the same night, and Tommy says "Well I already bought the ticket." Classic.

Anyways. Then we blew up a dog head.

Yes a dog head. Earlier that day, my friend Bruce bought a dog head (skin and all), and some firecrackers. Only in China can you get a dog head and firecrackers on the same street. I mean, think about the possibilities!
So back to the firecrackers. Before I moved here, I thought Chinese firecrackers were going to be huge rockets that colored the nights sky, or giant mysterious boxes that errupted into earth shattering explosions, or maybe long strings of "black cats" sold from giant barrels marked "CAUTION" or "DANGER." I was completely right. Bruce came into my house holding a frozen head under one hand and a bag filled with 4 feet of black cats, a bag of cherry bombs, 10 roman candles, and a mysterious box marked "Super Happy Fun Boom Shiny Box of Boom." With a name like that, there's guaranteed to be excitement.
We went outside, set the dog head on top of the mystery box, and lit the fuse. I must say, the mystery box didn't lie. That was definately two times the boom of your standard firecracker. The explosion filled the area with smoke and launched the dog head a couple feet away.
Ok, I'm getting bored typing this so on to the abridged version of the rest of the night:
10:00pm played Xbox for an hour
11:00pm walked over to the hotel across the street to watch the Olympics
11:05pm threw cherry bombs around and accidently set off a bunch of car alarms
11:10pm realized the games didn't start untill
2:00am so we played pool and poker, and sang along to Guns n Roses.
1:12am stopped singing and went to the club on the 6th floor of the hotel
1:19am made some frightful advances on Chinese club goers using my patented dance maneuvers in the hopes of pissing off as many people as possible
1:20am Mission accomplished, and I managed to make 5 people leave the dance floor
1:30am left the club and got dirty looks from an elevator of Chinese girls whom I accidently stepped on.
1:38am arrived back at my apartment and played Xbox with everyone untill 5 when people started going home
5:40am went to sleep after I finally beat this really annoying level in Red Dead Revolver.
THE END

PS Yeah the culture here is great. 5000 years of history and such. The art is wonderful, the people are interesting, etc. etc.

Baby ass pants

2004-08-05T22:24:00.000-07:00

Ok before I begin this post, I feel I have to clear up something from earlier. No I did not drink the pant thinner/baijo stuff. Do you think my first drink ever would be something that could make me insane or blind or insanely blind?! I don't even drink soda, do you think I'm going to skip a few steps and go straight to village moonshine? Think about that. Onward...

Things that rock:
Babies don't wear diapers, they have ass less pants
Seeing old ladies spit
Incredible art and history
Firecrackers ALL YEAR ROUND
The students here work so damn hard! I've never seen anything like it.
Cheap CD's and DVD's
The people. Everyone's so hospitable
The food is awesome and there's so many places to eat!

Things that are wack:
Seeing a baby poo in the isle at K-Mart (called "N-Mart" here)
dropping your keys and not realizing they're in a loogie untill you pick them up
Being reminded that our olympic basketball team lost to PUERTO RICO
Getting travelers sickness like the hand of satan reached down your throat and poured out a barrell of acid.
The kids work a little TOO hard. Monday through Saturday? 7am to 7pm? Geez...
Once everything is working, something breaks down again like the computer, the hot water, the goverment, etc.
Noise. All the time noise. Car horns, yelling, busses,
I didn't know there were so many dishes made from blood

I saw a monkey unscrew a soda bottle and drink today

2004-08-05T22:18:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here in an internet bar with a friend of mine. I just spent the last 2 hours playing Warcraft 3. It's 11:30 at night, and I was up waaaay too late last night watching Victory(starring the ever lovable midget Sylvester Stalone and Michael Kane),Thirteen Ghosts (which really is the shittiest movie ever), andWalking Tall (starring the Rock AND Jonny Knoxville, so you KNOW it'squality). I feel so out of it right now. IT was such a long day. Iwoke up at the crack of noon and started watching The Professional(one of the BESTEST films ever). My roomy and I got a call from this guy Austin saying "A couple of us are going to the park to play frisbee, are you coming?" So 15 minutes later, we were out the door with Austin and heading to the neat-o rad park (where the world's largest meteor is).There we met up with 2 other foreigners, and decided that we would have to speak in different accents for the rest of the day. The New Zealander of the group decided on American, and we in turn decided todo Kiwi. Whenever I do a Kiwi accent it ends up soundling like I'm a chimney sweep from England who moved to Minnesota. It's very strange. Anyways. So we started playing frisbee and suddenly I realized what monkeys on rollerskates and bears on tricycles must feel like. After throwing the frisbee a few times I looked around and noticed that acrowd had gathered to watch the 5 foreigners throw a disc around. If I never felt like a sideshow freak before, I did at that exact moment.We continued to play and then I came up with a brilliant idea for a coffee table book. I'm going to start taking pictures of old Chinese people throwing frisbees. I got a couple pix that I'll have to send you, reader, when I upload them.

After playing frisbee, we walked to the zoo at the end of the park. Now, I use the term "zoo" very loosely. It's actually more like a place the monkeys go to play in the trash. The monkey pen was full of cans, junk food, and rats. The one seal there had a small, algae filled tank, and the snakes had cardboard boxes topped with plexiglass and warmed with a 50 watt bulb. Actually, it was a lot like my house except I don't even have the 50 watt bulb. I keep forgetting to change the dead bulbs in my house...Anyways. Oops! Ok I think we're taking off. I'll put a new post up later and tell you the rest. Trust me, it's just as exciting.

I slept in a room with a hen, some beetles, a sparrow, and a dog last night

2004-07-11T00:20:00.000-07:00

I went to the country a couple days ago. And no I don't mean I drove to the country. I mean Julian (my roommate), Kevin (a teacher from Jilin), and myself took a taxi for 30 minutes to a small town, then we took a bus to an even smaller town, then we took another taxi for about 30 minutes over a new road, then he drove us another mile off road, and THEN we hiked two miles to a VILLAGE of 80 people. It was incredible! We were only the second foreigners these people had EVER seen. The first foreigner was a person that Kevin had brought 3 years earlier. The houses were made of mud with thatch roofs and dirt floors. It was like early colonial living except for the DVD player, TV, and washing machine (all brought in by mule cart from the next town over). There we stayed with Kevin's brother and sister in law who were so incredibly kind. The sister made a tasty and extremely salty dinner for us. Luckily she also had some homemade alcohol which she pulled out of a mason jar. The Chinese call it "Baijo" but I call it "paint thinner." I'm just glad I didn't go blind from inhaling it. I swear it was made from turpentine and rain water. Later that night I got a pleasant case of travelers sickness, where all the food I had eaten that week decided to make a water slide out my backdoor. After my food was done throwing ninja stars at my intestines, I passed out on the stone table/living room/bed/couch. In one room there was a stone stove heated by a fire, and the heat ran into my room and warmed up the stone we were sleeping on. Very nice for winter and I thought it was kind of neat. Anyways.
The next day I woke up feeling much much better. We ate the leftovers from the night before and talked to Kevin's sister in law. She's amazing! She works from about 4am to 8pm everyday but seems so happy. She was incredibly sweet and followed us all the way out of town to say goodbye. After saying our goodbyes, we headed through the back of the village to take the original path which was an 8 mile hike over a mountain. The amazing thing about this trek was that we were the first foreigners EVER to hike it. The trailhas only ever been used by a couple hundred different people since the village has been around. It was insane to think that only a few people had seen that part of the mountain, and even less would see it again.
I made it home at about noon and then went and played Xbox for 5 hours with foreigners. The end.

Wu-Tang niga

2004-07-10T22:33:00.000-07:00

Funny little story: Here, instead of saying "ummmm" or "like" as filler words, they say "niga" and "jiga" (this or that). Seriously. So I was in class and this kid was standing there stumbling through an english paragraph, and every other word from her mouth was "niga." It was quite funny.
Sample monologue from a 13 year old Chinese girl:
Rogel thought he (niga) was all prepawed for his dinner (niga) party last(niga) night."

So rad.

Also, a couple days ago, I decided I would give myself a Chinese name since all my students had English names. And of course, nerdy me decided my name should be "Wu-Tang." It was either that, "Shaolin," or "Drunken Master" (too many martial art films for me). I was trying to explaining this to a man I was having dinner with, and he said "Wu-tang (niga)?" And I said "Damn straight, nigga!" He just looked at me confused.